On the Boat Again

After wallowing in self-pity today over my life I am yet again on the slow boat to Nantucket to see L. I have no idea why. He has no idea I'm coming. But I'm here. Be on land in about ten minutes. Hope he's around to pick me up!

On the Fence

It's my kid-free weekend. I'm stressed over not having a job and about my unemployment being almost over. Going to run out of money. Then I don't know how I'm supposed to survive in this world.

L has been trying to get me to come to the island since last Monday. I really wanted this weekend for myself. He's made it very tempting. He offered to pay for the boat ride and the parking. He's offered to make me dinner, serve me wine, give me a massage. Mostly I think he just wants to have sex. And the sex IS really great. I have zero complaints there. He's the best partner I've ever been with. Ever.

Good partner or not, I don't feel like driving an hour to the Cape to get to the ferry. And actually, I had talked with him earlier today about it, about taking the latest slow boat out. He complained that it was too late and that he didn't want to have to drive out that late at night to get me. Well so I laughed and said I didn't really want to drive the hour onto the Cape!

I think the moment of consideration has passed. I no longer want to go to the island.

And he's on the phone calling me again.

Yikes... My Life...

It seems that my two year quest to find a job is beyond fruitless. I’m dumbfounded as to why I don’t yet have a job. I’ve never been in this situation. But I’ve never been forty either. Maybe when I was younger I had more energy? Maybe I’m just not qualified for anything? Maybe I’m in the wrong region? Mostly I just am disappointed in myself. In my whole life, whenever I needed something to happen, it just did. For two years I’ve wanted a whole bunch of things to happen. They haven’t.

Now my unemployment is ending. I’m running out of savings. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m on foodstamps which is a benefit that’s ending soon. Not sure how much worse it can get. My mother is lobbying hard to get me to move back to Florida. I know she’s trying to help but the legal battle attached to that fight is going to require energy that I just don’t have. Is the judge really going to let me leave the state with my kids? And for now, that is the biggest problem I have. Sadly I realize that it’s THIS and not L that is taking a lot of my emotional space right now. Unfortunately for L, he may face losing me. I’m just looking at potentially losing everything I own and being unable to exist here. He’s just looking at losing his girlfriend who can do fun stuff, looks good with a tan and loves sex.