I woke up this morning before 6 in L's bed on Nantucket. He was awake beside me and clearly wanted to fool around. This was the second time in the middle of the night that he'd made an attempt. The first time I'd just told him, "I'm sleeping" and he went away. I was sleeping. And for the next 18 hours or so I needed to be alert because I'm on a kid weekend here! He can take a nap whenever he wants. Me? I have to be awake ALL DAY LONG. Not just awake, but awake and in "good Mommy" mode. So at the early morning hour of just before 6 I gave in. Partly because I felt bad about shunning him earlier. Partly because he's a great partner. He's the first man I've ever been intimate with that ever made sex feel like love making. It's the first time I've ever known what that meant, and that it's not something to be made fun of. It's really real. It feels like we're so close that our souls are actually connecting. I know, ridiculous... but that's how it feels. The kids were asleep in the next room and my huge fear for the weekend, other than kid safety issues... was that the kids would walk in on us and see something that would damage them for life. Like him going down on me... or like us actually being "connected". I turned my back to him so that I could see the door. If I'd seen any little faces walk through the door I could somehow signal to L to stop. It was quick for L, taking me from behind. It always is. For some reason he really gets worked up easily from that position. This was another reason I turned my back to him. I kind of wanted it over quickly. I wanted to go back to sleep. He did finish quickly. We went back to sleep until almost 7:30. For me this was sleeping in. For him this meant he'd need a nap just after lunch. I got up out of bed and jumped into the shower. I did my "thing" in getting done up. I wasn't really done, but it's the whole hair drying and curling process. It seems to take forever. I started to separate dirty and clean clothes into the two suitcases we'd brought. I put dishes away. I put out fruit for the kids to snack on. I started folding blankets. I made my and L's bed. I was busy. L got to watch TV while I was in the shower. He played some guitar. He did cook the eggs. And he didn't get to sit down to eat his. He did share his with me, a bite or two. I took a bite or two from the kids' plates, too. This way I got a full breakfast without having to use an extra dish. I finished off some of the salad from the previous night's dinner, so there was the dish! And then I washed, dried and put away the dishes. I kept going. Cleaning. Organizing. Maneuvering kids. We called my dad to say happy Father's Day. In that time the kids got into the two day old powdered donuts. In the quick call to my dad they made a mess that took 10 minutes to clean up. But I cleaned it. We fooled around some more a few times during the morning. The kids were in the backyard. We thought we had a system in place where we would hear them coming in. There never was a close call. I was actually relieved when they did come close to where we were. Then I had an excuse to get moving. I love the sex with L, but sometimes I have a plan of stuff I want to do. Sex wasn't on the list this morning. But we were sure getting a lot of it in. He actually at one point just pulled his erect penis out through his shorts, leaving them buttoned at the top. The zipper was down. I was wearing a dress, so it was just a matter of pulling my lace thong to the side. It didn't take much. It seems lately like when I'm around him and he touches me, I'm instantly wet and ready. So I went with it. But the entire time I was worried about the potential interruptions. I found it difficult to stay in touch. At one point I was a little troubled about L's frame of mind. He had a troubled childhood. I've heard a few times his story about being dragged with his sisters by his mom to different boyfriend's houses. It wasn't evident at the time to him then, but over the years he'd put it together that she was having sex with multiple partners while the kids were just outside the door. I doubt that L is in some way trying to recreate his childhood, but it did cross my mind, that his motivations went farther than just basic lovemaking.
The bags were packed. I started to take the light stuff up. L took the heavy stuff. I was grateful, and probably should have said so. But I didn't. He drove us to the ferry, stood in line while we waited to board. We waved good-bye. He likely went home and took a nap. I sat at a table with the kids.
We had a two hour boat ride in front of us, with a 50 mile drive after that. The 50 mile drive was sure to take longer than my usual hour. It's Sunday and Cape traffic is always bad in the summer. Getting over the Cape Cod canal can only be done via one of two bridges.I struggled to keep my eyes open on the boat. I struggled to keep my patience with the kids while they went in and out of the galley section of the ferry. They went back and forth to the bathrooms. They wanted to crush a souvenir penny. We did that. They never did ask me to buy them food or drinks. I had packed drinks and snacks, thankfully.
I did, however, buy two glasses of wine for myself. Sometimes if I'm tired from drinking too much wine the night before, a drink or two picks me up a little. I tried it. Actually, today it did work. Kid 3 fell asleep in the car on the way home, thank God. Kid 1, and Kid 2 giggled and goofed around for a while. Eventually the carrying on in the backseat got to be a little wild. I had to scream at them to finally take it down a notch. They'd go quiet for a few miles. Then they'd start. I'd yell, they'd go quiet.... it was a long, long 50 miles.
When we got home, first thing I did was start to cook dinner. Then I noticed some sticky stuff on the floor under the fridge. I couldn't really tell what it was so I ignored it. I was just happy to be home and this much closer to closing my eyes for the day. As I reached for the freezer handle to get out the frozen meatballs I noticed that the freezer was ajar. I couldn't tell if it had happened since we came home or if it could have been like that since Friday morning. Had to be the latter.
Stuff was thawing out. Water was dripping from the inside. Popsicles were watery and dripping. That's what the mess on the floor was. Popsicle thaw. It was ugly. It was just ugly. I pulled out a black garbage bag and tossed the questionable stuff. Somehow it wasn't all lost. Most of it, yes. But not all of it. Ugh. So close to being able to relax.
The water was boiling so I added the pasta. I was able to salvage the meatballs from the melting messes so I cooked those, too. The kids were almost done eating when I got the text from their dad that he had Kid 2's baseball hat and glove and that he'd meet us at the field. "THE FIELD?!" What? I went to the car and got the tee ball schedule. Sure enough there was a game tonight. We were only 40 minutes from start time.
So now came the big push to get them back out the door and into a new activity. Ugh. We left for the field and, of course, got there before their dad. Kid2 couldn't practice without his glove, so he felt shy. I stayed at the game for two innings and decided my eyes were too tired to stay any longer. Because it's Father's Day he was going to take them for ice cream after the game. So it made no sense for me to stay through the game.
I went home. Instead of wisely resting my eyes, I turned on the tv and poured some wine. The kids came home in about an hour. Kid3 and Kid2 came right in. Kid1 pitched a fit because Kid2 got out of the car first. Then she, Kid1 gave me a hard time when I told them they were taking baths. I was emptying warm laundry from the dryer when I heard someone screaming, "MOMMMMMY!!!!" I was beyond irritated. I yelled back that I was doing laundry. Then I heard the crying. It was my sone, Kid2. I shouted in his direction that he had better be bleeding. He cried that he was. Apparently he'd walked into the empty bird cage and given himself a giant scrape/puncture wound. I cleaned it and lectured him. Then I sent him along his way.
Then I had a meltdown on the laundry room floor about how much I hate my life. I hate the fact that I'm doing this Mommy thing without the dad. I don't mean with THEIR dad. I loathe and despise him. But I feel the real void of not having the father figure around while raising kids. Doing it with Lawrence this weekend might have added to my meltdown. Because now that I'm doing it on my own after having help over the weekend, and experiencing my kids with someone, this really sucked. I just don't see him and me ever being in the "happy ever after" moment. We can have some great moments. He has some amazing qualities. But I want all the time. I want the life with someone, not the life of waiting to be with someone. This sucks.
I called him when I left the tee ball game. No answer. But he'd left me a message that he was going to his neighbor's house for a cookout. Honestly, I don't believe him. There were some calls that came in on his cell that he ignored and didn't explain while we were on Nantucket. I was a little curious. I wondered who it might be calling, and why he didn't take the call. I didn't ask because I don't want to seem like the crazy paranoid girlfriend. Instead I just shut off my ringers on my phones. No cell. No house phone. I'm exhausted. I spent money this weekennd that I didn't want to. And all so I can still be doing this Mommy stuff again by myself. This isn't where I want to be. Good sex aside, this is not ideal!