Unplugged

The house and cell phone have been shut off. The ringers, I mean. I don't want to talk to L. I don't want to know what he was doing last night. I don't like wondering and I don't like excuses. He never called last night. The ringers were off, so I wouldn't have answered, but he didn't know that.

He never called. He always calls. Maybe he's done with me. Actually it would be a little bit of a relief if he was done with me. Then I could go back to being totally miserable with my life. One of the best parts of being in a relastionship is not having to be alone. Yet here I am, alone. I've found the perfect partner.

Yet I'm alone. Without a partner, until either of us makes the big trek from the island. I love being on Nantucket. I hate leaving. I hate leaving L after a nice weekend. It's really beginnning to screw up my moods.

And then there's the financial stress. It costs a quarter tank of gas to drive to Hyannis and back. The parking is $10 a day. I just used my last ferry ticket. A new book of tickets costs $132. I really can't justify spending that right now. My unemployment is running out in a month. I mean completely running out. I can't do it. I can't go back out until I have a solid source of income.

I cried a lot last night. Mostly because the kids were being awful and I was back to having to do the work for them all by myself. I don't know if I can do this with L anymore. The distance is going to be a problem.

The way I manage ending relationships is not good. If I tell him all this he'll try to compensate by coming here more or by paying my expenses. Then I'll feel guilty that he's the one spending all the money. Then I won't feel good about things. He should just not come. So I'll just, what? Stop taking his calls? Until I decide... yes. I'm going to stop taking his calls. The ringers stay off, for now.