On the Boat Again

After wallowing in self-pity today over my life I am yet again on the slow boat to Nantucket to see L. I have no idea why. He has no idea I'm coming. But I'm here. Be on land in about ten minutes. Hope he's around to pick me up!

On the Fence

It's my kid-free weekend. I'm stressed over not having a job and about my unemployment being almost over. Going to run out of money. Then I don't know how I'm supposed to survive in this world.

L has been trying to get me to come to the island since last Monday. I really wanted this weekend for myself. He's made it very tempting. He offered to pay for the boat ride and the parking. He's offered to make me dinner, serve me wine, give me a massage. Mostly I think he just wants to have sex. And the sex IS really great. I have zero complaints there. He's the best partner I've ever been with. Ever.

Good partner or not, I don't feel like driving an hour to the Cape to get to the ferry. And actually, I had talked with him earlier today about it, about taking the latest slow boat out. He complained that it was too late and that he didn't want to have to drive out that late at night to get me. Well so I laughed and said I didn't really want to drive the hour onto the Cape!

I think the moment of consideration has passed. I no longer want to go to the island.

And he's on the phone calling me again.

Yikes... My Life...

It seems that my two year quest to find a job is beyond fruitless. I’m dumbfounded as to why I don’t yet have a job. I’ve never been in this situation. But I’ve never been forty either. Maybe when I was younger I had more energy? Maybe I’m just not qualified for anything? Maybe I’m in the wrong region? Mostly I just am disappointed in myself. In my whole life, whenever I needed something to happen, it just did. For two years I’ve wanted a whole bunch of things to happen. They haven’t.

Now my unemployment is ending. I’m running out of savings. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I’m on foodstamps which is a benefit that’s ending soon. Not sure how much worse it can get. My mother is lobbying hard to get me to move back to Florida. I know she’s trying to help but the legal battle attached to that fight is going to require energy that I just don’t have. Is the judge really going to let me leave the state with my kids? And for now, that is the biggest problem I have. Sadly I realize that it’s THIS and not L that is taking a lot of my emotional space right now. Unfortunately for L, he may face losing me. I’m just looking at potentially losing everything I own and being unable to exist here. He’s just looking at losing his girlfriend who can do fun stuff, looks good with a tan and loves sex.

My Free Time

L wanted to come for the weekend. I wanted to see him, just not for the entire weekend. This is my first chance to have time to myself to do whatever I want. To do nothing, if I want. The kids are at their dad's house till Monday night.

It's quiet here for me right now. I don't have to answer any ridiculous questions. I don't have to break up any fights. I don't have to stop anyone from making big messes. It's just me. I can think freely. I can have my coffee in silence.

L and I planned together that he would come today at noon. It isn't that I don't want to see him. It's that I don't really want to see anyone. I was going to go for a bike ride and then head to the Cape to pick him up.

I decided last night not to do any cleaning. I wasn't going to work on any projects. I wasn't going to write. I just wanted to relax. This past week was pretty tough on me, having the kids all the time takes a lot of energy. First week of summer vacation.

I had worked in the yard all day pulling weeds. I was dirty and tired. So I took a hot bath with candlelight and a glass of wine. There was no way I was going to do anything but relax last night. So I poured another glass of wine and pulled out my paints. I finshed some of my projects that I'd put aside, waiting for inspiration.

L called while I was painting. I think he might have been drunk and high. He sounded out of it. He sounded happy that I was painting. I told him I had decided not to stress over cleaning and getting ready for his visit. He suggested that maybe I wanted to have my Saturday to myself, and that maybe he should come on Sunday. I decided that's exactly what I had wanted. So we changed our scheduled visit to Sunday. Yay. I have a WHOLE day to myself. As soon as it was decided I felt entirely relaxed and good.

So now it's my Saturday. Phone rang at 7 a.m. It was L calling to see if he was supposed to be coming today. Guess he was pretty out of it when we talked last night.

So I'm off to go do whatever I want, nothing if I want!

Kid Free Weekend Coming Up

It's Friday, finally. I adore my kids, but it's been a long first week of summer vacation. I'm ready to have some time to myself. They leave tonight at 6:00. I have to take them all to my son's tee ball game, then find a graceful way to bow out of the game to finally be away.

What am I going to do with my time? Work. No job, but I'm working. I'm working on figuring out how to make some money!! I'm running outta money....

And L is coming tomorrow night through Monday morning.

Going to go biking in the woods tomorrow morning. Going to read. Going to go somewhere nobody is. Somewhere quiet. Though maybe I'll stay home, close the blinds, hide my car so no one will know I'm home. Just read my books. Enjoy the quiet. Ahhh...

Unplugged

The house and cell phone have been shut off. The ringers, I mean. I don't want to talk to L. I don't want to know what he was doing last night. I don't like wondering and I don't like excuses. He never called last night. The ringers were off, so I wouldn't have answered, but he didn't know that.

He never called. He always calls. Maybe he's done with me. Actually it would be a little bit of a relief if he was done with me. Then I could go back to being totally miserable with my life. One of the best parts of being in a relastionship is not having to be alone. Yet here I am, alone. I've found the perfect partner.

Yet I'm alone. Without a partner, until either of us makes the big trek from the island. I love being on Nantucket. I hate leaving. I hate leaving L after a nice weekend. It's really beginnning to screw up my moods.

And then there's the financial stress. It costs a quarter tank of gas to drive to Hyannis and back. The parking is $10 a day. I just used my last ferry ticket. A new book of tickets costs $132. I really can't justify spending that right now. My unemployment is running out in a month. I mean completely running out. I can't do it. I can't go back out until I have a solid source of income.

I cried a lot last night. Mostly because the kids were being awful and I was back to having to do the work for them all by myself. I don't know if I can do this with L anymore. The distance is going to be a problem.

The way I manage ending relationships is not good. If I tell him all this he'll try to compensate by coming here more or by paying my expenses. Then I'll feel guilty that he's the one spending all the money. Then I won't feel good about things. He should just not come. So I'll just, what? Stop taking his calls? Until I decide... yes. I'm going to stop taking his calls. The ringers stay off, for now.

Doing it By Myself

I woke up this morning before 6 in L's bed on Nantucket. He was awake beside me and clearly wanted to fool around. This was the second time in the middle of the night that he'd made an attempt. The first time I'd just told him, "I'm sleeping" and he went away. I was sleeping. And for the next 18 hours or so I needed to be alert because I'm on a kid weekend here! He can take a nap whenever he wants. Me? I have to be awake ALL DAY LONG. Not just awake, but awake and in "good Mommy" mode. So at the early morning hour of just before 6 I gave in. Partly because I felt bad about shunning him earlier. Partly because he's a great partner. He's the first man I've ever been intimate with that ever made sex feel like love making. It's the first time I've ever known what that meant, and that it's not something to be made fun of. It's really real. It feels like we're so close that our souls are actually connecting. I know, ridiculous... but that's how it feels. The kids were asleep in the next room and my huge fear for the weekend, other than kid safety issues... was that the kids would walk in on us and see something that would damage them for life. Like him going down on me... or like us actually being "connected". I turned my back to him so that I could see the door. If I'd seen any little faces walk through the door I could somehow signal to L to stop. It was quick for L, taking me from behind. It always is. For some reason he really gets worked up easily from that position. This was another reason I turned my back to him. I kind of wanted it over quickly. I wanted to go back to sleep. He did finish quickly. We went back to sleep until almost 7:30. For me this was sleeping in. For him this meant he'd need a nap just after lunch. I got up out of bed and jumped into the shower. I did my "thing" in getting done up. I wasn't really done, but it's the whole hair drying and curling process. It seems to take forever. I started to separate dirty and clean clothes into the two suitcases we'd brought. I put dishes away. I put out fruit for the kids to snack on. I started folding blankets. I made my and L's bed. I was busy. L got to watch TV while I was in the shower. He played some guitar. He did cook the eggs. And he didn't get to sit down to eat his. He did share his with me, a bite or two. I took a bite or two from the kids' plates, too. This way I got a full breakfast without having to use an extra dish. I finished off some of the salad from the previous night's dinner, so there was the dish! And then I washed, dried and put away the dishes. I kept going. Cleaning. Organizing. Maneuvering kids. We called my dad to say happy Father's Day. In that time the kids got into the two day old powdered donuts. In the quick call to my dad they made a mess that took 10 minutes to clean up. But I cleaned it. We fooled around some more a few times during the morning. The kids were in the backyard. We thought we had a system in place where we would hear them coming in. There never was a close call. I was actually relieved when they did come close to where we were. Then I had an excuse to get moving. I love the sex with L, but sometimes I have a plan of stuff I want to do. Sex wasn't on the list this morning. But we were sure getting a lot of it in. He actually at one point just pulled his erect penis out through his shorts, leaving them buttoned at the top. The zipper was down. I was wearing a dress, so it was just a matter of pulling my lace thong to the side. It didn't take much. It seems lately like when I'm around him and he touches me, I'm instantly wet and ready. So I went with it. But the entire time I was worried about the potential interruptions. I found it difficult to stay in touch. At one point I was a little troubled about L's frame of mind. He had a troubled childhood. I've heard a few times his story about being dragged with his sisters by his mom to different boyfriend's houses. It wasn't evident at the time to him then, but over the years he'd put it together that she was having sex with multiple partners while the kids were just outside the door. I doubt that L is in some way trying to recreate his childhood, but it did cross my mind, that his motivations went farther than just basic lovemaking.

The bags were packed. I started to take the light stuff up. L took the heavy stuff. I was grateful, and probably should have said so. But I didn't. He drove us to the ferry, stood in line while we waited to board. We waved good-bye. He likely went home and took a nap. I sat at a table with the kids.

We had a two hour boat ride in front of us, with a 50 mile drive after that. The 50 mile drive was sure to take longer than my usual hour. It's Sunday and Cape traffic is always bad in the summer. Getting over the Cape Cod canal can only be done via one of two bridges.I struggled to keep my eyes open on the boat. I struggled to keep my patience with the kids while they went in and out of the galley section of the ferry. They went back and forth to the bathrooms. They wanted to crush a souvenir penny. We did that. They never did ask me to buy them food or drinks. I had packed drinks and snacks, thankfully.

I did, however, buy two glasses of wine for myself. Sometimes if I'm tired from drinking too much wine the night before, a drink or two picks me up a little. I tried it. Actually, today it did work. Kid 3 fell asleep in the car on the way home, thank God. Kid 1, and Kid 2 giggled and goofed around for a while. Eventually the carrying on in the backseat got to be a little wild. I had to scream at them to finally take it down a notch. They'd go quiet for a few miles. Then they'd start. I'd yell, they'd go quiet.... it was a long, long 50 miles.

When we got home, first thing I did was start to cook dinner. Then I noticed some sticky stuff on the floor under the fridge. I couldn't really tell what it was so I ignored it. I was just happy to be home and this much closer to closing my eyes for the day. As I reached for the freezer handle to get out the frozen meatballs I noticed that the freezer was ajar. I couldn't tell if it had happened since we came home or if it could have been like that since Friday morning. Had to be the latter.

Stuff was thawing out. Water was dripping from the inside. Popsicles were watery and dripping. That's what the mess on the floor was. Popsicle thaw. It was ugly. It was just ugly. I pulled out a black garbage bag and tossed the questionable stuff. Somehow it wasn't all lost. Most of it, yes. But not all of it. Ugh. So close to being able to relax.

The water was boiling so I added the pasta. I was able to salvage the meatballs from the melting messes so I cooked those, too. The kids were almost done eating when I got the text from their dad that he had Kid 2's baseball hat and glove and that he'd meet us at the field. "THE FIELD?!" What? I went to the car and got the tee ball schedule. Sure enough there was a game tonight. We were only 40 minutes from start time.

So now came the big push to get them back out the door and into a new activity. Ugh. We left for the field and, of course, got there before their dad. Kid2 couldn't practice without his glove, so he felt shy. I stayed at the game for two innings and decided my eyes were too tired to stay any longer. Because it's Father's Day he was going to take them for ice cream after the game. So it made no sense for me to stay through the game.

I went home. Instead of wisely resting my eyes, I turned on the tv and poured some wine. The kids came home in about an hour. Kid3 and Kid2 came right in. Kid1 pitched a fit because Kid2 got out of the car first. Then she, Kid1 gave me a hard time when I told them they were taking baths. I was emptying warm laundry from the dryer when I heard someone screaming, "MOMMMMMY!!!!" I was beyond irritated. I yelled back that I was doing laundry. Then I heard the crying. It was my sone, Kid2. I shouted in his direction that he had better be bleeding. He cried that he was. Apparently he'd walked into the empty bird cage and given himself a giant scrape/puncture wound. I cleaned it and lectured him. Then I sent him along his way.

Then I had a meltdown on the laundry room floor about how much I hate my life. I hate the fact that I'm doing this Mommy thing without the dad. I don't mean with THEIR dad. I loathe and despise him. But I feel the real void of not having the father figure around while raising kids. Doing it with Lawrence this weekend might have added to my meltdown. Because now that I'm doing it on my own after having help over the weekend, and experiencing my kids with someone, this really sucked. I just don't see him and me ever being in the "happy ever after" moment. We can have some great moments. He has some amazing qualities. But I want all the time. I want the life with someone, not the life of waiting to be with someone. This sucks.

I called him when I left the tee ball game. No answer. But he'd left me a message that he was going to his neighbor's house for a cookout. Honestly, I don't believe him. There were some calls that came in on his cell that he ignored and didn't explain while we were on Nantucket. I was a little curious. I wondered who it might be calling, and why he didn't take the call. I didn't ask because I don't want to seem like the crazy paranoid girlfriend. Instead I just shut off my ringers on my phones. No cell. No house phone. I'm exhausted. I spent money this weekennd that I didn't want to. And all so I can still be doing this Mommy stuff again by myself. This isn't where I want to be. Good sex aside, this is not ideal!